Questions from Readers: Discipline

A mother writes, “Our four year old doesn’t know what the word wait means. When she wants something or wants somebody else to do anything she expects her wishes to be obeyed immediately. When she doesn’t get her way, she makes life miserable for everyone in the family by complaining or screaming or begging. I’ve tried to sit down and explain to her how everyone has to wait for things sometimes. While I’m explaining, she seems to understand, but five minutes later there she goes again demanding this or that and expecting everyone to stop whatever they’re doing and do what she wants

My husband says its better to give in to her and avoid all the unpleasantness. He says she’s young and when she’s better able to do more things for herself she’ll stop demanding so much of us.

Do you agree?”

Absolutely NOT !!. We parents must act like parents, guiding and disciplining not coddling and giving in.

When a child of any age is a demander, whether her demands are for time, attention, or the things money can buy, she should be promptly put in her place. Stop talking to your daughter and start acting. Recognize that the best way for her to learn how to wait or take turns is to get a lot of practice doing it. . As a family, give her plenty of chances to wait Unless her request is of an emergency nature , remain pleasant but firm in not satisfying her wishes despite her insistent and annoying behavior. In very few words, warn her both before and after her outbursts, that her actions will never be rewarded. by getting what she’s demanding. And stick to that promise. Much sooner than you think she’ll learn to stop, look and listen to you before leaping into a temper tantrum.

Too hot to handle

From preschool through college, there are times that our sons, daughters and grandchildren get too hot to handle. They flare up when they are denied some freedom or privilege or possession which they consider rightfully theirs. Frequently, those growing up see red when adults try to give them advice…even good advice. Teens, in particular, view almost any kind of warning as an insult to their maturity and good judgment and as proof positive their parents don’t trust them to make their own wise decisions.

A blog reader gives an example of one of these tugs of war in the adult-child relationship:

“Our nineteen year old daughter, Judy, on her way back to college after a visit

at home for the holidays, became very irritated with me. I was warning her against being sure not to pick up any hitch-hikers, even female ones, or drive as if she didn’t realize that there were a lot of crazies on the road who made their cars into death weapons”

“There you go again,” she responded sharply, “always saddling me with warnings every time I move out the door. It’s just too much to take. I’m already loaded down with a lot of school stuff to think about, money juggling, my almost non- existent social life. I don’t need another burden laid on me, ya know”

“My first inclination was to lash back at my daughter’s rudeness. Instead, I replied simply, ‘ I didn’t mean to weigh you down with an extra burden. I don’t want to make you so uptight about all the dangers in the world that you’re afraid to enjoy life. But, try to understand the burden I’m asking you to carry. It’s a care package because I care so much about you and want you safe.”