Punishment, part II

Does the punishment fit your son’s or daughter’s crime?

How can you tell unless you know not only what happened but WHY?

When a youngster of any age lies, back talks, hurts somebody physically or emotionally, destroys someone else’s video game, sports equipment, electronic devices, or anything else he knows he wasn’t supposed to touch in the first place , it’s not easy for even a good parent to stop, look at what was done, and listen before taking action.

But that’s exactly what smart disciplining requires!

Difficult as it is for you, as one of today’s overworked, overwhelmed Moms, Dads or grandparents, to find the time to listen to your child explain why he did what he did or even make excuses for his misbehavior, try doing just that. Before lashing out with the threats or the punishment, wait until you have given your son or daughter a few minutes to explain why he misbehaved. If he remains silent, simply and calmly ask:: “Can you tell me why you did that?”

Long ago, I chose this successful way of disciplining not only our own biological children, foster children, grandchildren , etc but also the thousands upon thousands of other people’s children with whom I have worked over the years. It works because it recognizes the fact that there are usually not just two side to every story but three… in this case, the parent’s side, the child’s side and the truth. The truth is rarely found unless the other two sides are heard.

Fair punishment encourages a child to do better, Unfair punishment encourages him to get even.

How to punish your child- part I

All children misbehave at times. When you were growing up, you did too. If you’ve forgotten all the times you talked back, didn’t listen, or spitefully did exactly what you were told not to do, just ask your parents or some other relative what you were like as a child.

Since it’s perfectly normal for your son, daughter or grandchild to sometimes pay no attention to what you say, want her to do or not do, etc. you will need some strategies for punishing her. Here are some suggestions to make your punishment result in making a youngster of any age get better rather than get even.

1. Don’t wait too long to do the punishing. For example, don’t wait until another adult in the family, Dad, Mom, a grandparent, etc. comes home to either do the punishing or decide on what should be done. If too much time has gone by between the bad behavior and your response to it, your child, especially a young one, could easily forget what she did wrong.

2. Don’t continually threaten that “the next time you do that …the next time you do that” you’ll be punished. How many next times will you continue to warn her about but never follow through? If you constantly threaten to take action but never do, your son or daughter is no dummy. She learns that you don’t say what you mean or mean what you say.

A word of warning!. While timing is important, try not to deal with a misbehaving child until you’re calm enough to do it. Try slowly counting backwards from thirty to zero or walking into another room a few times and then back again before taking action. It can often provide the pause that refreshes your wise judgment and common sense in how t ofirmly but fairly handle the offender.

In the next blog I’ll give a few more “crime and punishment” examples for dealing with misbehaving children. Do you have any other ways for punishing children that have worked for you?

Please share them with other parents by writing me at: Dr.LonnieC@gmail.

Becoming a parent

Becoming a parent is a lot easier than being a parent. Simply because a seed is implanted and is, in time provided food, clothing and shelter does not mean a healthy, hardy, happy creation will develop and grow. Not at all.

The nurturing of a child is like the growth cycle of a flowering plant. The plant needs constant moisture and light to nourish its root system and grow strong. Human affection, attention, respect and trust are to children what sunshine and rainfall are to plants. Without them, the young wither and die.

Freedom to grow in its own shape and in its own way is another similarity between plants and children. For sons and daughters this means freedom of speech, to express their own ideas and opinions and have adults really listen, , freedom from fear that they will not be abused, physically, sexually, emotionally, etc, and freedom to make as many of their own decisions as they are capable of, etc. But the freedom can not be limitless nor more than the age or ability of the particular child is able to handle.

In providing freedom to children, the freedom must be balanced. Adults need to make clear that letting a youngster have her say does not necessarily mean letting her them have her way. Giving a son or daughter freedom and choices should not be seen by either her or her parent as the right to do whatever she wants; . it is, instead, the privilege and the responsibility to speak, to listen and to do what is right.