rotten apples - spoiled rotten

Apples GET ROTTEN when one particular bacteria changes the natural sugar in the fruit into acetic acid. Sons and daughters SPOIL for other reasons.

To turn a good child into a bad one all you have to do is APPLE POLISH her with every new tech products she demands, a lot of money she doesn’t have to earn herself, clothes she doesn’t really need, unlimited freedom and privileges, etc. as a substitute for the time, discipline and affection she should be getting.

Youngsters also turn rotten when the anger and confusion they FERMENT through their temper tantrums, whining, or the use of foul language is rewarded by adults “giving in” and giving them exactly what they “acted up” for.

Children of every age SHRIVEL UP and are STUNTED IN THEIR GROWTH when they are waited on hand and foot, when they are constantly pampered and pacified rather than allowed to develop into responsible, reliable, appreciative individuals.

Just let a child rudely BARREL her way into an adult’s conversation, privacy or relaxation time and she not only ruins it for Mom or Dad but she is damaged as well. Large or small, a son or daughter is SPOILED ROTTEN when she is allowed to believe she is top banana in the family... And that her wishes, whines and wiles must be catered to at any cost.

Youngsters are also likely to turn SOUR when the role models or celebrities they foolishly worship aren’t the best of the bunch.

At their CORE, few children are born of a bad SEED. It is the way they are handled, the way they are nourished and nurtured which determines whether or not they grow up SWEET, FIRM, and WELL ROUNDED or whether they become CRABAPPLES.

Report the Violence

One of your daughter’s classmates is furious about having to miss basketball practice for the week. Why? Because his math teacher gave him after-school detention for acting up in class.

“I’m getting that f…..tomorrow, the boy mutters to your daughter. Let’s see how “ cool” he is when he looks down the barrel of my gun!” he threatens.

Would your daughter clam up about her classmate’s threats...keep her mouth shut figuring that he was just blowing off steam or bragging?.

OR would she report what she heard to you, a teacher, or some other trusted adult?

Unfortunately, far too many preteens and adolescents believe that

snitching” or “ratting out” is the lowest form of human behavior. Keeping their lips zipped and clamming up even when their silence presents a clear danger is to them the “IN” thing to do. Protect one of your peers, (even a gang member) at any cost is the reasoning behind their code of silence.

Before more young lives are destroyed by juvenile fury and the tragic ease with which the young are able to get their hands on guns and other weapons, sit down with your son or daughter and ask this question: “ Matt, Emma, what would you do if a classmate or even a good friend of yours told you he was going to shoot or stab or do some harm to another student or teacher or anyone else? Would you try to talk him out of it …figure he was probably just joking, and forget it or tell me, a teacher or adult what you heard?

If she says: “I don’t know" or, “Nobody I know has got a gun” don’t drop the subject. Show her a story in the newspaper or on T.V. about school or street violence. Talk together about how this tragedy could have been avoided if only someone had spoken up BEFORE about the gun or knife someone she knew had and had talked about using.

Whatever you do…don’t ridicule or make light of the importance of friends being loyal to each other. The friendship of friends is too important to pre teens and teenagers to“put down”.

INSTEAD, emphasize the fact that while loyalty and honor and friendship are to be respected, in some cases it’s a matter of LIFE OR DEATH that even friends speak up and give warning of any threats or violence being planned .

Emotional Health Diet

Whether you want to lose weight, gain weight, or stay as fit as you are, here’s a diet Guaranteed to improve the health of your entire family…..their EMOTIONAL HEALTH.

Just as the right food, exercise and rest can improve your life physically, raising children the right way can transform a flabby, frustrated, unsuccessful mother or father into a fair, firm, favored parent…EMOTIONALLY. Here’s how:

1. Get to the bottom of your youngster’s misbehavior before even thinking about getting to his/her bottom. WHY a son or daughter did what he did is just as important in deciding the right action to take as WHAT he did.

2. Be the ADULT!! Sons and daughters who talk big, look big and act big are usually the ones who are too big for their britches. That’s why it's dangerous to let them wear the pants in the family.

3. Avoid wasting your time and your child’s love trying to get her to be an angel by knocking the devil out of her. Practice does not make perfect when you keep on practicing the wrong thing over and over again.

4. Build a successful “give and take” relationship with your youngster. This does not mean you do all the giving and she does all the taking. Nobody can expect to win all the time. In many cases and in many relationships ….NO IS A LOVE WORD.

5. Disagree with what your child wants to do or not do but avoid disagreeing disagreeably. Differences of opinions, ideas, goals are normal between parent and child. BUT… putting a child down with sarcasm, ridicule, harsh physical punishment, etc. is NO WAY to BUILD HIM UP...or win any kind of disagreement.

Bottle-fed self-esteem

“Parenting really never ends, does it Mom?” our grown daughter  commented after she had called to seek some advice.

"No, it doesn’t!” I laughed, pleased that she understood, and felt comfortable enough to trust me to give her wise guidance. How satisfying it was to me, as a parent, that my adult child chose to take advantage of the umbilical cord that still and always would connect us.

Her call served to remind me of a comment made to me by a prominent T.V. personality whom I interviewed on one of my radio broadcasts: "Bottle feeding a son or daughter with self esteem requires a lot of bottles and a lot of patience, love and time, but its worth it”.

The biggest bottle full of self worth and security we tried to provide in our family, and, I believe, continue to use to nurture our grown children and of course our young grandchildren is based on what we call our Three B’s formula.

From their preschool years on, through their good behavior and misbehaviors, we rarely failed to remind our offspring that they were: BRIGHT, BELOVED and BEAUTIFUL. …. BRIGHT, not in a boastful or “smarter than other children” sense but rather bright enough to be curious, to learn the many wonderous things life offered in school, at home and in the larger world outside...to use their talents and determination to be the best they could be...in what they chose to be. They were BELOVED not because they got good grades or did well in sports or art or music or always did exactly what they were told to do with no arguments or back talking but rather, beloved, as they were for who and what they were... sensitive, caring, honest, responsible family members.

They understood that our meaning of BEAUTIFUL was not in the physical sense. It was not that they were prettier or thinner, or more attractively dressed, or more talented etc. than anyone else., but rather morally beautiful.  They were taught to be committed to family, friends, community, values, respect, justice and social responsibility -- not merely self service and self gratification.

Unfortunately, many of today’s young people are not being “bottle fed” self esteem. They must turn to artificial intoxicants to get their “highs” because they are unable to enjoy the more potent, safe, heady experience gotten from feeling good about themselves..

kids in the workforce

Our country can never hope to reach FULL EMPLOYMENT unless parents make sure that everybody in the family WORKS. That “everybody” includes the children!

Sons and daughters as young as two years of age need to be given RESPONSIBILITIES: picking up their own toys, putting napkins on the table or setting it completely if they are able, matching socks into pairs, helping fold laundry, etc. Being encouraged and expected to give a helping hand around the house is a wonderful way to build their self esteem. The youngster given some “home chores” feels needed as a member of the family. . . As his capability to do the jobs increases, so does his pride and confidence in himself.

Beginning with two and three year olds, all sons and daughters should be taught that THEY HAVE A JOB TO DO. Just as the adults in the family are put into the LABOR FORCE, both inside and outside the home, children , too, need to have assigned tasks, and do them.

From our own son’s and daughters’ elementary school years through high school, they

were given responsibilities. We tried to make their home chores equal to their ability to accomplish them. We were careful about finding a fair balance between the time they had for doing homework, meeting with friends, playing sports, etc. and their home tasks.

The responsibility we emphasized most, (our children might use the words NAGGGED ABOUT) was the job they were expected to do in school. We reminded them of these “facts of life” ...facts that all students need to be taught and taught early.

“ Just as the adults in our family have jobs to do and are held responsible for doing them, the most important work you have to do is your school work. It requires that you :

GO TO SCHOOL ON TIME EACH DAY

PAY AS CLOSE ATTENTION AS YOU CAN TO WHAT IS BEING TAUGHT SO YOU CAN GET THE MOST OUT OF IT

ASK QUESTIONS WHENEVER YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND SOMETHING

DO YOUR SCHOOL HOMEWORK NEATLY AND COMPLETELY

We didn’t even have to NAG them much about not imitating the unacceptable behavior of a classmate or getting into trouble with the teacher...We felt confidant that by doing their job, they were being protected against misusing or abusing their education.

Sibling Rivalry

There they go again...teasing, pushing, making faces at each other, arguing over what T.V. program to watch!! What’s a parent to do? Have you ever thought of doing nothing?

Moms dads and grandparents typically INTERFERE too much and too often when brothers and sisters are AT EACH OTHER. The adults protectively rush to jump in and stop the sibling torturing.

Whenever there are two or more children in a family, it's normal for there to be sibling rivalry. Brothers and sisters fume, fight and frustrate each other. If you, yourself, weren’t an only child, think of all the times you and your sibling didn’t treat each other like best of friends. By OVERREACTING to what is, for the most part, not uncommon sibling rivalry, jealousy, etc., parents run two risks:

1. They unthinkingly deny youngsters the PRACTICE THEY NEED in learning to COPE with uncomfortable situations and in using their own good judgment in figuring out how to solve their problems.

2. They are too likely to blame the wrong child as the trouble maker. This occurs because Mom or Dad usually doesn’t know the whole story of who did what to whom first.

Try this approach when the children are at each other. Grit your teeth and stay out of it. UNLESS: your son’s or daughter’s physical safety or emotional well being is in danger. Also intervene if a child asks for your help in settling a situation which is not a fair fight due to the age, strength or verbal advantage one has over the other.

One successful solution I have tried is this: Say FREEZE to the youngsters, having taught them previously that this word from you is the same as a time out called by a referee or umpire. It serves as a stop sign does when a car is traveling too quickly down a road. In effect, it stops the motion of the car (argument) giving the driver or, in this case, the sibling, a minute to cool down and think. Tell the children to UNFREEZE now and come to you when they’ve settled their differences.

Sleeping with another woman

Your husband is sleeping with another woman and you’re the one who is encouraging the relationship. Friends warn you that it’s a mistake. Even the man around the house, himself, has admitted that this other woman is not only interfering with  his sleep but horning in on his sex life.

The other woman, of course, is your two year old daughter. In the wee hours of the morning, she’s taken to climbing out of her bed into yours.

 

What’s a tired mother or father to do? Simply grin and bear the uncomfortable, sleep deprived nights caused by the midnight caller and crawler?

 

NOT AT ALL!! Mom and Dad, get a life! For as long as it takes, take turns each night RETURNING the little darling back to her own bed each and every time she tries to join you.  (This strategy should allow at least the parent not on “night patrol" to get some sleep).

For the parent on duty, stay in your toddler or preschooler's bedroom once you’ve returned her there, until she sees you mean what you say. At night, her bed is her bed and your bed is yours and “never the twain shall meet”. Be prepared in the beginning for her crying, begging, and jumping out of bed. 

 

Difficult as it will be...and it will be, muster  the strength to remain patient and calm. Speak in a caring, soft voice, not a loud irritated one. It will take time and kindness for you to teach your two year old, perhaps for the first time, that in the tug of war between will and won’t the odds are in your favor.

 

Make sure you explain in the morning the  rule that at night,  unless she is afraid of something or not feeling well, your bed is off limits.  Should she have to awaken you for these reasons, let her know that you will comfort her back in her own room not while staying in yours.

 

Whether the bed in which you sleep is a double, queen sized or king sized...as far as sharing it with children  ….   two’s company; three's a crowd .

Reflections on self-esteem

Don’t bother wasting your money buying your preschooler every little thing he begs for or feeding him all the junk food he wants. The most nourishing gift you can give your child is self-esteem.

It’s the feeling of love trust and respect he feels for himself. This belief in the value of oneself is learned behavior and begins at birth.

If a preschooler were to look in the mirror, his self- esteem would be the reflection of what he sees there; a boy who feels good about himself because he is loved and protected and respected by his parents and other family members.

A preschooler with low self-esteem would see a different reflection. He would see someone who in the eyes of his family appears to be a nobody, in the way, bad, incapable.

The preschooler with low self-esteem grows into the child with low self-esteem and then into the same kind of adult.

He is rarely happy, rarely does well in school, and usually acts up at home.

When those around him have constantly told him or shown him that he is a nobody, bad, unimportant, he becomes that.

A child learns what he is taught.

Those taught to like themselves are most likely to be successful.

Teens Talk Back

Ever wonder what your teenager would say to you if he or she weren’t afraid to tell you?

Over the years, here are four messages I’ve gotten from the thousands of adolescents who’ve spoken to me or sent me letters:

“Even though we like loud music we don’t like loud voices. Please don’t yell at us. Not only does yelling hurt our ears it scares us and hurts our feelings.

When we do something wrong, punish us. But please don’t keep punishing us over and over again...by never letting us forget what we did wrong. People can change, ya know!

But it isn’t easy to change when somebody keeps reminding you about how lazy or stupid or dishonest, or unappreciative you are.

We would feel a lot better about ourselves if you took more time to praise the good things we do instead of always criticizing the bad ones. In our hearts we know you love us but please try to show it a little more.

When you have to say “NO” to what we want to do or make rules we don’t like, could you tell us WHY you’re doing it? If you’d give us reasons we’d learn more and maybe remember longer.”

Now that they’ve told us “what’s up” with them, let’s listen.