“But mom! Everybody else is doing it”!

When your child takes you on the guilt trip of EVERYBODY as the reason she should be doing something, take careful notice that the everybody isn’t carefully defined-- no names, no cell numbers, no emails. The idea you’re supposed to get from this is that there are so MANY of them that it’s a waste of time to bother counting. And of course, it then logically follows that since these EVERYBODIES form such a united front, what they are doing is right and should be followed.

WRONG.

The sheer weight of numbers, even legitimate numbers, should not be the deciding factor in YOUR deciding what your child is allowed to do.

The way your daughter behaves, the expectations you set, and the privileges that are given to her, need to be individually determined and regulated by you.

Even what a child’s brother or sister was allowed or is allowed to do, may not be what is best for another sibling. The times—technologically, culturally, environmentally--change quickly, and each child is different.  If your teenager chooses friends who swear, shoplift, or are sexually permissive, those everybodies cannot be allowed to govern your child’s behavioral standards.

No matter how many everybodies there are out there, have the courage to refuse to be a rubber stamp.  Do not cowardly place your stamp of approval on majority rule. Be a majority of one. Helping your child understand that might does not necessarily make right.

"You're so MEAN!"

Sound familiar? Here’s a good way to explain to your son or daughter what mean really means.

Sit down with him and say, “This is what one grown up child said about HIS MEAN MOTHER…listen and then tell me if you agree, ok?”

“I had the meanest mother in the world. While other kids were allowed to grab some candy and soda before rushing off to school, I had to have juice and cereal or eggs. While other kids bought chips and cookies for lunch, I had to eat the sandwich she packed for me. And a piece of fruit too. Our dinnertime was different from other kids. My mean mom made us all eat together as a family, instead of eating whenever we wanting while watching TV. And she didn’t listen when we said we were too full to eat anymore and then asked for dessert. My mean mom could have worked for the FBI. She always had to know where I was at all times. You’d have thought I was on a chain gang or something.

She always had to know who my friends were, where I was going, and she even had curfews for when I had to get home. I’m ashamed to admit it, but my mother even broke the child labor laws; she made me WORK. I had to wash the dishes, make the beds, learn to cook, clean, etc. That woman must have stayed awake nights thinking up things for me to do…and…she always expected me to tell the truth no matter what. If I didn’t…and she always found out if I didn’t…let’s just say it wasn’t worth it to lie.

By the time I was a teenager my life became even more miserable. She didn’t allow me to meet girls or boys at the mall or at the movies; she insisted they come to the house so she could look them over.  

 My mean mom raised me and my brother and sister like a bunch of nerds. BUT none of us ever dropped out of school, or shoplifted, or carried and weapon, or smoked, or used drugs. And whom do we have to thank for all of this?"

You got it--- Our MEAN MOM.

Getting the "No-how"

If you know how to say it fairly, firmly, calmly and consistently, No is a Love word.

For a long time, psychologists have known that the setting of limits satisfies a basic human need. The need for structure.  All human beings have this need for order and behavioral boundaries. Children and adults alike seek the security provided by rules and discipline, but despite these facts of life, many men and women, cannot say no—at the right time or at the right place, or to the right people.

They are afraid that if they do set limits, they will become unpopular or unloved.

Learning how to say NO to your child, to other adults, and even to yourself is more important today than ever before. Why? Because we are living in a yes- society.

Instant gratification is everywhere, encouraged or accepted on television, in movies, magazines and books, as well as in everyday life.

The messages that are all too frequently practiced are:

If it feels good, do it

Make sure you get yours.

Get it now.

Unfortunately the voice of the yea-sayers is so loud and persuasive that it drowns out the voice of truth. 

The truth that no is a love word. 

Without it, our sons and daughters will grow up without self-control, without self-esteem, without social responsibility, and without success.

Welcome!

Nobody ever promised it would be easy to be a parent and it isn't!! One parent to another, you and I know that. We also know it's not easy to be a child today.

As a CBS broadcast journalist heard every day, nationwide, for over twenty eight years with my FROM THE LEARNING CENTER program, I have shared the information, insights and inspiration needed to make family life a positive adventure for millions of listeners. This blog is an effort to continue my work in a new way, … by providing you with easy to use ideas to better Communicate and Connect with your sons, daughters, and grandchildren.

Whether it’s your child, your spouse, or your friend, …“Communicating and Connecting” don’t always come naturally. Some of us know what to say. But not how or when to say it. Others have trouble putting into words the guidance and support our children really need and want but would never admit they do.
So if you’re trying to find the right words, time, body language, or strategies to successfully communicate and connect with your child , you’ve come to the right place.

If you've been a listener of my radio program on CBS, or have been in the audience at one of my presentations across the country, please write to say hello. I also welcome questions and comments from new readers, and I look forward to hearing from you.

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