Questions from Readers: Discipline

A mother writes, “Our four year old doesn’t know what the word wait means. When she wants something or wants somebody else to do anything she expects her wishes to be obeyed immediately. When she doesn’t get her way, she makes life miserable for everyone in the family by complaining or screaming or begging. I’ve tried to sit down and explain to her how everyone has to wait for things sometimes. While I’m explaining, she seems to understand, but five minutes later there she goes again demanding this or that and expecting everyone to stop whatever they’re doing and do what she wants

My husband says its better to give in to her and avoid all the unpleasantness. He says she’s young and when she’s better able to do more things for herself she’ll stop demanding so much of us.

Do you agree?”

Absolutely NOT !!. We parents must act like parents, guiding and disciplining not coddling and giving in.

When a child of any age is a demander, whether her demands are for time, attention, or the things money can buy, she should be promptly put in her place. Stop talking to your daughter and start acting. Recognize that the best way for her to learn how to wait or take turns is to get a lot of practice doing it. . As a family, give her plenty of chances to wait Unless her request is of an emergency nature , remain pleasant but firm in not satisfying her wishes despite her insistent and annoying behavior. In very few words, warn her both before and after her outbursts, that her actions will never be rewarded. by getting what she’s demanding. And stick to that promise. Much sooner than you think she’ll learn to stop, look and listen to you before leaping into a temper tantrum.

Punishment, part II

Does the punishment fit your son’s or daughter’s crime?

How can you tell unless you know not only what happened but WHY?

When a youngster of any age lies, back talks, hurts somebody physically or emotionally, destroys someone else’s video game, sports equipment, electronic devices, or anything else he knows he wasn’t supposed to touch in the first place , it’s not easy for even a good parent to stop, look at what was done, and listen before taking action.

But that’s exactly what smart disciplining requires!

Difficult as it is for you, as one of today’s overworked, overwhelmed Moms, Dads or grandparents, to find the time to listen to your child explain why he did what he did or even make excuses for his misbehavior, try doing just that. Before lashing out with the threats or the punishment, wait until you have given your son or daughter a few minutes to explain why he misbehaved. If he remains silent, simply and calmly ask:: “Can you tell me why you did that?”

Long ago, I chose this successful way of disciplining not only our own biological children, foster children, grandchildren , etc but also the thousands upon thousands of other people’s children with whom I have worked over the years. It works because it recognizes the fact that there are usually not just two side to every story but three… in this case, the parent’s side, the child’s side and the truth. The truth is rarely found unless the other two sides are heard.

Fair punishment encourages a child to do better, Unfair punishment encourages him to get even.

How to punish your child- part I

All children misbehave at times. When you were growing up, you did too. If you’ve forgotten all the times you talked back, didn’t listen, or spitefully did exactly what you were told not to do, just ask your parents or some other relative what you were like as a child.

Since it’s perfectly normal for your son, daughter or grandchild to sometimes pay no attention to what you say, want her to do or not do, etc. you will need some strategies for punishing her. Here are some suggestions to make your punishment result in making a youngster of any age get better rather than get even.

1. Don’t wait too long to do the punishing. For example, don’t wait until another adult in the family, Dad, Mom, a grandparent, etc. comes home to either do the punishing or decide on what should be done. If too much time has gone by between the bad behavior and your response to it, your child, especially a young one, could easily forget what she did wrong.

2. Don’t continually threaten that “the next time you do that …the next time you do that” you’ll be punished. How many next times will you continue to warn her about but never follow through? If you constantly threaten to take action but never do, your son or daughter is no dummy. She learns that you don’t say what you mean or mean what you say.

A word of warning!. While timing is important, try not to deal with a misbehaving child until you’re calm enough to do it. Try slowly counting backwards from thirty to zero or walking into another room a few times and then back again before taking action. It can often provide the pause that refreshes your wise judgment and common sense in how t ofirmly but fairly handle the offender.

In the next blog I’ll give a few more “crime and punishment” examples for dealing with misbehaving children. Do you have any other ways for punishing children that have worked for you?

Please share them with other parents by writing me at: Dr.LonnieC@gmail.

“But mom! Everybody else is doing it”!

When your child takes you on the guilt trip of EVERYBODY as the reason she should be doing something, take careful notice that the everybody isn’t carefully defined-- no names, no cell numbers, no emails. The idea you’re supposed to get from this is that there are so MANY of them that it’s a waste of time to bother counting. And of course, it then logically follows that since these EVERYBODIES form such a united front, what they are doing is right and should be followed.

WRONG.

The sheer weight of numbers, even legitimate numbers, should not be the deciding factor in YOUR deciding what your child is allowed to do.

The way your daughter behaves, the expectations you set, and the privileges that are given to her, need to be individually determined and regulated by you.

Even what a child’s brother or sister was allowed or is allowed to do, may not be what is best for another sibling. The times—technologically, culturally, environmentally--change quickly, and each child is different.  If your teenager chooses friends who swear, shoplift, or are sexually permissive, those everybodies cannot be allowed to govern your child’s behavioral standards.

No matter how many everybodies there are out there, have the courage to refuse to be a rubber stamp.  Do not cowardly place your stamp of approval on majority rule. Be a majority of one. Helping your child understand that might does not necessarily make right.

"You're so MEAN!"

Sound familiar? Here’s a good way to explain to your son or daughter what mean really means.

Sit down with him and say, “This is what one grown up child said about HIS MEAN MOTHER…listen and then tell me if you agree, ok?”

“I had the meanest mother in the world. While other kids were allowed to grab some candy and soda before rushing off to school, I had to have juice and cereal or eggs. While other kids bought chips and cookies for lunch, I had to eat the sandwich she packed for me. And a piece of fruit too. Our dinnertime was different from other kids. My mean mom made us all eat together as a family, instead of eating whenever we wanting while watching TV. And she didn’t listen when we said we were too full to eat anymore and then asked for dessert. My mean mom could have worked for the FBI. She always had to know where I was at all times. You’d have thought I was on a chain gang or something.

She always had to know who my friends were, where I was going, and she even had curfews for when I had to get home. I’m ashamed to admit it, but my mother even broke the child labor laws; she made me WORK. I had to wash the dishes, make the beds, learn to cook, clean, etc. That woman must have stayed awake nights thinking up things for me to do…and…she always expected me to tell the truth no matter what. If I didn’t…and she always found out if I didn’t…let’s just say it wasn’t worth it to lie.

By the time I was a teenager my life became even more miserable. She didn’t allow me to meet girls or boys at the mall or at the movies; she insisted they come to the house so she could look them over.  

 My mean mom raised me and my brother and sister like a bunch of nerds. BUT none of us ever dropped out of school, or shoplifted, or carried and weapon, or smoked, or used drugs. And whom do we have to thank for all of this?"

You got it--- Our MEAN MOM.

Getting the "No-how"

If you know how to say it fairly, firmly, calmly and consistently, No is a Love word.

For a long time, psychologists have known that the setting of limits satisfies a basic human need. The need for structure.  All human beings have this need for order and behavioral boundaries. Children and adults alike seek the security provided by rules and discipline, but despite these facts of life, many men and women, cannot say no—at the right time or at the right place, or to the right people.

They are afraid that if they do set limits, they will become unpopular or unloved.

Learning how to say NO to your child, to other adults, and even to yourself is more important today than ever before. Why? Because we are living in a yes- society.

Instant gratification is everywhere, encouraged or accepted on television, in movies, magazines and books, as well as in everyday life.

The messages that are all too frequently practiced are:

If it feels good, do it

Make sure you get yours.

Get it now.

Unfortunately the voice of the yea-sayers is so loud and persuasive that it drowns out the voice of truth. 

The truth that no is a love word. 

Without it, our sons and daughters will grow up without self-control, without self-esteem, without social responsibility, and without success.