Too hot to handle

From preschool through college, there are times that our sons, daughters and grandchildren get too hot to handle. They flare up when they are denied some freedom or privilege or possession which they consider rightfully theirs. Frequently, those growing up see red when adults try to give them advice…even good advice. Teens, in particular, view almost any kind of warning as an insult to their maturity and good judgment and as proof positive their parents don’t trust them to make their own wise decisions.

A blog reader gives an example of one of these tugs of war in the adult-child relationship:

“Our nineteen year old daughter, Judy, on her way back to college after a visit

at home for the holidays, became very irritated with me. I was warning her against being sure not to pick up any hitch-hikers, even female ones, or drive as if she didn’t realize that there were a lot of crazies on the road who made their cars into death weapons”

“There you go again,” she responded sharply, “always saddling me with warnings every time I move out the door. It’s just too much to take. I’m already loaded down with a lot of school stuff to think about, money juggling, my almost non- existent social life. I don’t need another burden laid on me, ya know”

“My first inclination was to lash back at my daughter’s rudeness. Instead, I replied simply, ‘ I didn’t mean to weigh you down with an extra burden. I don’t want to make you so uptight about all the dangers in the world that you’re afraid to enjoy life. But, try to understand the burden I’m asking you to carry. It’s a care package because I care so much about you and want you safe.”

Punishment, part II

Does the punishment fit your son’s or daughter’s crime?

How can you tell unless you know not only what happened but WHY?

When a youngster of any age lies, back talks, hurts somebody physically or emotionally, destroys someone else’s video game, sports equipment, electronic devices, or anything else he knows he wasn’t supposed to touch in the first place , it’s not easy for even a good parent to stop, look at what was done, and listen before taking action.

But that’s exactly what smart disciplining requires!

Difficult as it is for you, as one of today’s overworked, overwhelmed Moms, Dads or grandparents, to find the time to listen to your child explain why he did what he did or even make excuses for his misbehavior, try doing just that. Before lashing out with the threats or the punishment, wait until you have given your son or daughter a few minutes to explain why he misbehaved. If he remains silent, simply and calmly ask:: “Can you tell me why you did that?”

Long ago, I chose this successful way of disciplining not only our own biological children, foster children, grandchildren , etc but also the thousands upon thousands of other people’s children with whom I have worked over the years. It works because it recognizes the fact that there are usually not just two side to every story but three… in this case, the parent’s side, the child’s side and the truth. The truth is rarely found unless the other two sides are heard.

Fair punishment encourages a child to do better, Unfair punishment encourages him to get even.

Attitude Adjustment

Fill a six ounce glass with three ounces of water. Would you describe that glass as half empty or half full?

Negative or positive, a parent’s attitude about her son or daughter shapes the way she sees him. In interviews with over a hundred mothers, fathers and grandparents of teenagers in one of the family life workshops I present at schools, businesses and social service agencies across the country, I asked the following question: “What do you like about your adolescent?”

Revealing a parent-child relationship in serious trouble, several parents replied, “To tell the truth, nothing.” or, “ To be perfectly honest with you, I can’t think of a thing I like.”

Fortunately, most of the other parents had not so completely given up on their children. On reflection, they agreed that beneath the surface veneer of their youngster’s back talk, irritating silences, lack of appreciation, sloppiness, etc. there was, for the most part, a likable, respectful, caring child. In short, they had a teen who stayed out of serious trouble involving drugs, violence, school failure, risky sex. and who even sometimes listened to their advice.

Emphasizing the positive rather than the negative nature of a son or daughter is an activity many overworked, and overwhelmed adults fail to do. They criticize more than they compliment. They see the glass as half empty rather than half full

In the give and take of living with teenagers, taking the good in them for granted is a common practice. It is a practice which too often results in giving them good reason to be bad.

Busy as you are, find something positive to say to your child today . Don’t be surprised if you see a shocked expression on his face. Try the same strategy tomorrow or next week. Don’t be surprised at how quickly your change of attitude sets the example for him to follow.

The dropout disaster

The school dropout disaster -- Who’s to blame? ... teachers, teenagers, or parents?

The principal of a large urban school in which I worked was worried about the negative change in a seventh grader’s behavior. Usually a good student academically with a good attitude about school, Jake had become disinterested in learning and disruptive in the classroom.

Hoping to get more insight into what was causing Jake's trouble, the principal called his home. No sooner had he identified himself and before being given a chance to explain why he was calling, the principal was met with parent hostility:

“Look.. whatever you’re calling about I don’t have time to come to school about him, so whatever he did , you figure out what to do about it. That’s what you get paid for!” the boy’s mother growled. Then she hung up.

In my experience, this is not an unusual story. Countless numbers of mothers and fathers won’t or don’t take time for their children either at school or at home. In his recent message to the N.A.A.C.P President Obama emphasized the importance of those who CREATE children to spend time CARING for them.

There are irresponsible mothers and fathers of every race and region who mistakenly view THE SCHOOL as the ENEMY especially when their time or participation is required. They regularly absent themselves from taking any responsibility for their child’s behavior in school. They are truant from working with teachers in an effort to better educate and support the youth. They drop out of attending P.T.A. meetings and other school activities. They fail to try to help their sons and daughters with school homework, or even check to see whether or not it is being done

The sad result of this mistaken hostility against, avoidance of, or, at least failure to support their child’s school life is resulting in large numbers of parents becoming the MOST UNREACHABLE DROP OUTS OF ALL.

Winning Ways

Children aren’t born losers they’re made losers. Here are some guidelines for teaching your child winning ways.

Jack or Jessica, you might say to your pre-teen or teenager--when you’re lucky enough to get his full attention, :

“A WINNER is someone who says:’I want to find out ..or, I want to try to do that’” even when the task looks difficult and he’s not at all sure he’ll succeed.

“A LOSER insists, ’Nobody can do that or knows all that’ or, “It will take too much time to try."

“A WINNER admits, ‘I’m good at that, but not as good as I can be'”

“A LOSER whines ‘I’m not as bad as a lot of other kids I know’”

“A WINNER listens and learns. He respects people who have had more experience than he, parents, teachers, grandparents. He tries to use their guidance to improve himself."

“A LOSER pays little attention to what his parents, teachers, or other adults etc .are saying. Instead, he waits mindlessly or concentrates upon what he’ll answer back when its his turn to talk. He resents “being told” anything even when he knows the advice is helpful”

“A WINNER knows how to wait for what he wants, and how to work hard to get it.”

“A LOSER expects instant satisfaction and instant success"

“A WINNER somehow always does more than what he has to do, more than the job actually requires.”

“A LOSER manages to do as little as possible”

“A WINNER admits his mistakes. He says, “I was careless; I didn’t look where I was going and I fell’”

“A LOSER blames other people, complaining: ‘Somebody pushed me.’

What we tried to teach our children, foster child and now grandchildren is that “ Life is like a card game. Winning isn’t always a matter of the cards you’re dealt but how you play the game.

rotten apples - spoiled rotten

Apples GET ROTTEN when one particular bacteria changes the natural sugar in the fruit into acetic acid. Sons and daughters SPOIL for other reasons.

To turn a good child into a bad one all you have to do is APPLE POLISH her with every new tech products she demands, a lot of money she doesn’t have to earn herself, clothes she doesn’t really need, unlimited freedom and privileges, etc. as a substitute for the time, discipline and affection she should be getting.

Youngsters also turn rotten when the anger and confusion they FERMENT through their temper tantrums, whining, or the use of foul language is rewarded by adults “giving in” and giving them exactly what they “acted up” for.

Children of every age SHRIVEL UP and are STUNTED IN THEIR GROWTH when they are waited on hand and foot, when they are constantly pampered and pacified rather than allowed to develop into responsible, reliable, appreciative individuals.

Just let a child rudely BARREL her way into an adult’s conversation, privacy or relaxation time and she not only ruins it for Mom or Dad but she is damaged as well. Large or small, a son or daughter is SPOILED ROTTEN when she is allowed to believe she is top banana in the family... And that her wishes, whines and wiles must be catered to at any cost.

Youngsters are also likely to turn SOUR when the role models or celebrities they foolishly worship aren’t the best of the bunch.

At their CORE, few children are born of a bad SEED. It is the way they are handled, the way they are nourished and nurtured which determines whether or not they grow up SWEET, FIRM, and WELL ROUNDED or whether they become CRABAPPLES.

Report the Violence

One of your daughter’s classmates is furious about having to miss basketball practice for the week. Why? Because his math teacher gave him after-school detention for acting up in class.

“I’m getting that f…..tomorrow, the boy mutters to your daughter. Let’s see how “ cool” he is when he looks down the barrel of my gun!” he threatens.

Would your daughter clam up about her classmate’s threats...keep her mouth shut figuring that he was just blowing off steam or bragging?.

OR would she report what she heard to you, a teacher, or some other trusted adult?

Unfortunately, far too many preteens and adolescents believe that

snitching” or “ratting out” is the lowest form of human behavior. Keeping their lips zipped and clamming up even when their silence presents a clear danger is to them the “IN” thing to do. Protect one of your peers, (even a gang member) at any cost is the reasoning behind their code of silence.

Before more young lives are destroyed by juvenile fury and the tragic ease with which the young are able to get their hands on guns and other weapons, sit down with your son or daughter and ask this question: “ Matt, Emma, what would you do if a classmate or even a good friend of yours told you he was going to shoot or stab or do some harm to another student or teacher or anyone else? Would you try to talk him out of it …figure he was probably just joking, and forget it or tell me, a teacher or adult what you heard?

If she says: “I don’t know" or, “Nobody I know has got a gun” don’t drop the subject. Show her a story in the newspaper or on T.V. about school or street violence. Talk together about how this tragedy could have been avoided if only someone had spoken up BEFORE about the gun or knife someone she knew had and had talked about using.

Whatever you do…don’t ridicule or make light of the importance of friends being loyal to each other. The friendship of friends is too important to pre teens and teenagers to“put down”.

INSTEAD, emphasize the fact that while loyalty and honor and friendship are to be respected, in some cases it’s a matter of LIFE OR DEATH that even friends speak up and give warning of any threats or violence being planned .

Bottle-fed self-esteem

“Parenting really never ends, does it Mom?” our grown daughter  commented after she had called to seek some advice.

"No, it doesn’t!” I laughed, pleased that she understood, and felt comfortable enough to trust me to give her wise guidance. How satisfying it was to me, as a parent, that my adult child chose to take advantage of the umbilical cord that still and always would connect us.

Her call served to remind me of a comment made to me by a prominent T.V. personality whom I interviewed on one of my radio broadcasts: "Bottle feeding a son or daughter with self esteem requires a lot of bottles and a lot of patience, love and time, but its worth it”.

The biggest bottle full of self worth and security we tried to provide in our family, and, I believe, continue to use to nurture our grown children and of course our young grandchildren is based on what we call our Three B’s formula.

From their preschool years on, through their good behavior and misbehaviors, we rarely failed to remind our offspring that they were: BRIGHT, BELOVED and BEAUTIFUL. …. BRIGHT, not in a boastful or “smarter than other children” sense but rather bright enough to be curious, to learn the many wonderous things life offered in school, at home and in the larger world outside...to use their talents and determination to be the best they could be...in what they chose to be. They were BELOVED not because they got good grades or did well in sports or art or music or always did exactly what they were told to do with no arguments or back talking but rather, beloved, as they were for who and what they were... sensitive, caring, honest, responsible family members.

They understood that our meaning of BEAUTIFUL was not in the physical sense. It was not that they were prettier or thinner, or more attractively dressed, or more talented etc. than anyone else., but rather morally beautiful.  They were taught to be committed to family, friends, community, values, respect, justice and social responsibility -- not merely self service and self gratification.

Unfortunately, many of today’s young people are not being “bottle fed” self esteem. They must turn to artificial intoxicants to get their “highs” because they are unable to enjoy the more potent, safe, heady experience gotten from feeling good about themselves..

kids in the workforce

Our country can never hope to reach FULL EMPLOYMENT unless parents make sure that everybody in the family WORKS. That “everybody” includes the children!

Sons and daughters as young as two years of age need to be given RESPONSIBILITIES: picking up their own toys, putting napkins on the table or setting it completely if they are able, matching socks into pairs, helping fold laundry, etc. Being encouraged and expected to give a helping hand around the house is a wonderful way to build their self esteem. The youngster given some “home chores” feels needed as a member of the family. . . As his capability to do the jobs increases, so does his pride and confidence in himself.

Beginning with two and three year olds, all sons and daughters should be taught that THEY HAVE A JOB TO DO. Just as the adults in the family are put into the LABOR FORCE, both inside and outside the home, children , too, need to have assigned tasks, and do them.

From our own son’s and daughters’ elementary school years through high school, they

were given responsibilities. We tried to make their home chores equal to their ability to accomplish them. We were careful about finding a fair balance between the time they had for doing homework, meeting with friends, playing sports, etc. and their home tasks.

The responsibility we emphasized most, (our children might use the words NAGGGED ABOUT) was the job they were expected to do in school. We reminded them of these “facts of life” ...facts that all students need to be taught and taught early.

“ Just as the adults in our family have jobs to do and are held responsible for doing them, the most important work you have to do is your school work. It requires that you :

GO TO SCHOOL ON TIME EACH DAY

PAY AS CLOSE ATTENTION AS YOU CAN TO WHAT IS BEING TAUGHT SO YOU CAN GET THE MOST OUT OF IT

ASK QUESTIONS WHENEVER YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND SOMETHING

DO YOUR SCHOOL HOMEWORK NEATLY AND COMPLETELY

We didn’t even have to NAG them much about not imitating the unacceptable behavior of a classmate or getting into trouble with the teacher...We felt confidant that by doing their job, they were being protected against misusing or abusing their education.

Teens Talk Back

Ever wonder what your teenager would say to you if he or she weren’t afraid to tell you?

Over the years, here are four messages I’ve gotten from the thousands of adolescents who’ve spoken to me or sent me letters:

“Even though we like loud music we don’t like loud voices. Please don’t yell at us. Not only does yelling hurt our ears it scares us and hurts our feelings.

When we do something wrong, punish us. But please don’t keep punishing us over and over again...by never letting us forget what we did wrong. People can change, ya know!

But it isn’t easy to change when somebody keeps reminding you about how lazy or stupid or dishonest, or unappreciative you are.

We would feel a lot better about ourselves if you took more time to praise the good things we do instead of always criticizing the bad ones. In our hearts we know you love us but please try to show it a little more.

When you have to say “NO” to what we want to do or make rules we don’t like, could you tell us WHY you’re doing it? If you’d give us reasons we’d learn more and maybe remember longer.”

Now that they’ve told us “what’s up” with them, let’s listen.

“But mom! Everybody else is doing it”!

When your child takes you on the guilt trip of EVERYBODY as the reason she should be doing something, take careful notice that the everybody isn’t carefully defined-- no names, no cell numbers, no emails. The idea you’re supposed to get from this is that there are so MANY of them that it’s a waste of time to bother counting. And of course, it then logically follows that since these EVERYBODIES form such a united front, what they are doing is right and should be followed.

WRONG.

The sheer weight of numbers, even legitimate numbers, should not be the deciding factor in YOUR deciding what your child is allowed to do.

The way your daughter behaves, the expectations you set, and the privileges that are given to her, need to be individually determined and regulated by you.

Even what a child’s brother or sister was allowed or is allowed to do, may not be what is best for another sibling. The times—technologically, culturally, environmentally--change quickly, and each child is different.  If your teenager chooses friends who swear, shoplift, or are sexually permissive, those everybodies cannot be allowed to govern your child’s behavioral standards.

No matter how many everybodies there are out there, have the courage to refuse to be a rubber stamp.  Do not cowardly place your stamp of approval on majority rule. Be a majority of one. Helping your child understand that might does not necessarily make right.

"You're so MEAN!"

Sound familiar? Here’s a good way to explain to your son or daughter what mean really means.

Sit down with him and say, “This is what one grown up child said about HIS MEAN MOTHER…listen and then tell me if you agree, ok?”

“I had the meanest mother in the world. While other kids were allowed to grab some candy and soda before rushing off to school, I had to have juice and cereal or eggs. While other kids bought chips and cookies for lunch, I had to eat the sandwich she packed for me. And a piece of fruit too. Our dinnertime was different from other kids. My mean mom made us all eat together as a family, instead of eating whenever we wanting while watching TV. And she didn’t listen when we said we were too full to eat anymore and then asked for dessert. My mean mom could have worked for the FBI. She always had to know where I was at all times. You’d have thought I was on a chain gang or something.

She always had to know who my friends were, where I was going, and she even had curfews for when I had to get home. I’m ashamed to admit it, but my mother even broke the child labor laws; she made me WORK. I had to wash the dishes, make the beds, learn to cook, clean, etc. That woman must have stayed awake nights thinking up things for me to do…and…she always expected me to tell the truth no matter what. If I didn’t…and she always found out if I didn’t…let’s just say it wasn’t worth it to lie.

By the time I was a teenager my life became even more miserable. She didn’t allow me to meet girls or boys at the mall or at the movies; she insisted they come to the house so she could look them over.  

 My mean mom raised me and my brother and sister like a bunch of nerds. BUT none of us ever dropped out of school, or shoplifted, or carried and weapon, or smoked, or used drugs. And whom do we have to thank for all of this?"

You got it--- Our MEAN MOM.