Bottle-fed self-esteem

“Parenting really never ends, does it Mom?” our grown daughter  commented after she had called to seek some advice.

"No, it doesn’t!” I laughed, pleased that she understood, and felt comfortable enough to trust me to give her wise guidance. How satisfying it was to me, as a parent, that my adult child chose to take advantage of the umbilical cord that still and always would connect us.

Her call served to remind me of a comment made to me by a prominent T.V. personality whom I interviewed on one of my radio broadcasts: "Bottle feeding a son or daughter with self esteem requires a lot of bottles and a lot of patience, love and time, but its worth it”.

The biggest bottle full of self worth and security we tried to provide in our family, and, I believe, continue to use to nurture our grown children and of course our young grandchildren is based on what we call our Three B’s formula.

From their preschool years on, through their good behavior and misbehaviors, we rarely failed to remind our offspring that they were: BRIGHT, BELOVED and BEAUTIFUL. …. BRIGHT, not in a boastful or “smarter than other children” sense but rather bright enough to be curious, to learn the many wonderous things life offered in school, at home and in the larger world outside...to use their talents and determination to be the best they could be...in what they chose to be. They were BELOVED not because they got good grades or did well in sports or art or music or always did exactly what they were told to do with no arguments or back talking but rather, beloved, as they were for who and what they were... sensitive, caring, honest, responsible family members.

They understood that our meaning of BEAUTIFUL was not in the physical sense. It was not that they were prettier or thinner, or more attractively dressed, or more talented etc. than anyone else., but rather morally beautiful.  They were taught to be committed to family, friends, community, values, respect, justice and social responsibility -- not merely self service and self gratification.

Unfortunately, many of today’s young people are not being “bottle fed” self esteem. They must turn to artificial intoxicants to get their “highs” because they are unable to enjoy the more potent, safe, heady experience gotten from feeling good about themselves..

kids in the workforce

Our country can never hope to reach FULL EMPLOYMENT unless parents make sure that everybody in the family WORKS. That “everybody” includes the children!

Sons and daughters as young as two years of age need to be given RESPONSIBILITIES: picking up their own toys, putting napkins on the table or setting it completely if they are able, matching socks into pairs, helping fold laundry, etc. Being encouraged and expected to give a helping hand around the house is a wonderful way to build their self esteem. The youngster given some “home chores” feels needed as a member of the family. . . As his capability to do the jobs increases, so does his pride and confidence in himself.

Beginning with two and three year olds, all sons and daughters should be taught that THEY HAVE A JOB TO DO. Just as the adults in the family are put into the LABOR FORCE, both inside and outside the home, children , too, need to have assigned tasks, and do them.

From our own son’s and daughters’ elementary school years through high school, they

were given responsibilities. We tried to make their home chores equal to their ability to accomplish them. We were careful about finding a fair balance between the time they had for doing homework, meeting with friends, playing sports, etc. and their home tasks.

The responsibility we emphasized most, (our children might use the words NAGGGED ABOUT) was the job they were expected to do in school. We reminded them of these “facts of life” ...facts that all students need to be taught and taught early.

“ Just as the adults in our family have jobs to do and are held responsible for doing them, the most important work you have to do is your school work. It requires that you :

GO TO SCHOOL ON TIME EACH DAY

PAY AS CLOSE ATTENTION AS YOU CAN TO WHAT IS BEING TAUGHT SO YOU CAN GET THE MOST OUT OF IT

ASK QUESTIONS WHENEVER YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND SOMETHING

DO YOUR SCHOOL HOMEWORK NEATLY AND COMPLETELY

We didn’t even have to NAG them much about not imitating the unacceptable behavior of a classmate or getting into trouble with the teacher...We felt confidant that by doing their job, they were being protected against misusing or abusing their education.

Sleeping with another woman

Your husband is sleeping with another woman and you’re the one who is encouraging the relationship. Friends warn you that it’s a mistake. Even the man around the house, himself, has admitted that this other woman is not only interfering with  his sleep but horning in on his sex life.

The other woman, of course, is your two year old daughter. In the wee hours of the morning, she’s taken to climbing out of her bed into yours.

 

What’s a tired mother or father to do? Simply grin and bear the uncomfortable, sleep deprived nights caused by the midnight caller and crawler?

 

NOT AT ALL!! Mom and Dad, get a life! For as long as it takes, take turns each night RETURNING the little darling back to her own bed each and every time she tries to join you.  (This strategy should allow at least the parent not on “night patrol" to get some sleep).

For the parent on duty, stay in your toddler or preschooler's bedroom once you’ve returned her there, until she sees you mean what you say. At night, her bed is her bed and your bed is yours and “never the twain shall meet”. Be prepared in the beginning for her crying, begging, and jumping out of bed. 

 

Difficult as it will be...and it will be, muster  the strength to remain patient and calm. Speak in a caring, soft voice, not a loud irritated one. It will take time and kindness for you to teach your two year old, perhaps for the first time, that in the tug of war between will and won’t the odds are in your favor.

 

Make sure you explain in the morning the  rule that at night,  unless she is afraid of something or not feeling well, your bed is off limits.  Should she have to awaken you for these reasons, let her know that you will comfort her back in her own room not while staying in yours.

 

Whether the bed in which you sleep is a double, queen sized or king sized...as far as sharing it with children  ….   two’s company; three's a crowd .